I can think of a million reasons not to write a blog. I ask myself questions like, "Does anyone really want to read what I have to say?" or "Is the baring of my own soul exploitive?" Maybe.. probably, but ultimately I want people to understand where I'm coming from as a person, and as an artist. Bottom line, I live in a fantastical world of my own creation. We all do. We walk between worlds of imagination, manifestation, and taxes. The thinner the veil between these worlds, the easier the transition between our mundane responsibilities and our dreams. The idea, is to be one integrated person, not changible depending on the scenarios or personalities we encounter, but to be transparent and consistent in chararcter. That consistency has been elusive for me, in part, because I spent a large portion of my youth hiding the secrets of other people, holding shame and guilt that were not mine to hold, nor mine to liberate. To this day, no matter how transparent I am, I still feel as though I'm hiding, and that doesn't work for me anymore.
The purpose of this blog is to give my viewers insight into my process (both intuitive & technical), share my inspirations, and clear my own blocked channels of expression. Because this painting is the front door to my website, I thought I would start here. Ultra Deep Field, also known as the White Wolf painting, tells the story of my companion, protector, & friend. The white wolf came to me in a dream almost 15 years ago. That night, I awoke to the sound of a scream. I jumped out of bed and scurried to the landing that overlooked the great room of my parents' house (they would both transition out of this life over the next 2 years). As I looked down, I saw my mother almost floating across the floor. I called her name but she did not respond. In the next instant, I woke up in my bed... again. This time there was no scream, only a strange white glow coming from the north corner of the room. The glow became brighter and brighter until it took the form of a giant white wolf. I was terrified and completely still. The wolf arose, then walked to the foot of my bed. Without hesitation or negotiation, it jumped into me. I fell back asleep instantly, and I would not remember the dream for 10 years.
In 2011, I found myself working as an art therapist at a women's supportive housing nonprofit in Chicago. The women all had histories of trauma, most starting from a young age. I worked late, and always walked home. Often I didn't get in until after 1am. The wolf reemerged from my subconscious one night as I was walking. As I walked, I felt a vague fear of the night, and shadowy alleys I passed. I began to feel the presence of this wolf by my side. I remembered the dream. I thought, "Did that happen?" I would get chills each time I asked that question. On rare occasions I would feel the brush of its fur against my hand. I began to anticipate people, or animals around the corner when I would have no way to perceive them other than through the vision of the wolf. I felt safe again.
The Ojibwa people of North America have a legend of the White Wolf as the protector of women. If you feel a connection to the white wolf, I suggest investigating this legend in depth. For me, the wolf feeds on the shadows and transforms them into nourishing light. In this painting, the wolf guards the sacred world. She is surrounded by a sky inspired by the Hubble telescope's image of the ultra deep field. The field was discovered when the high-powered telescope was pointed toward a dark pocket of space. When magnified the image revealed not just stars, but an infinite field of galaxies floating through space as lopsided rings, spheres, and spirals. This shows us if we look deeply enough, we will encounter the infinite. There is light deep within the darkness. White Wolf, with her keen senses tracks down lost fragments of the soul that were fractured due to trauma in this life or in ones prior. There is no piece too small, or without a purpose. As she retrieves these lost pieces, she finds them shimmering, not as broken bits of shinny glass, but as tiny stars rejoicing to greet her.
The White Wolf watches silently, thanklessly while we dream, holding the integrity of our home, our temple, our bodies both the physical and energetic. She is the guardian of the aeon, standing at the threshold between Pisces and Aquarius, both the martyr and the conscious Christ. She is closely allied with the human species as a clear channel shining gently into the darkness. Bringing light to the multiverse, magnetizing the inherent light of all beings, she walks through celestial kingdoms. She is not omnipresent but a point of light moving swiftly through the multiverse. White Wolf enters our space by invitation. I walk with my wolf everywhere I go. I am comforted in darkness because I know my wolf will shred not the people who threaten me, but the phantoms that puppet them.